Spiritual satanism is very hard

Spiritual Satanism is very hard. I dedicated sometime before Halloween in 2012, so I'm still an under a year newbie. I have learned so much within this time but not enough.
My fiancé' dedicated February 4th, 2013 and met his guardian Demon a week after his dedication. His guardian is HAURES. (Hail HAURES!) he met his guardian so unbelievably fast because his third eye has been completely open since he as 11. He started seeing spirits, and people, and angels at age 11, almost right after his dad died that year. When he met HAURES it was at the Vol park. (Showse park in vermilion, Ohio) he seems to meet her and his dad at that park in his dreams a lot. I'm not exactly sure why things like this happen at that location. It's maybe a 5 minute walk from where we live now.
I'm so jealous I can't stand it. I'm emotionally, mentally, and spiritually stronger than him, yet I don't know anything about who my guardian is really. It helps that he can see demons easily if he tries, or sometimes without trying but still. I feel so lost.
Since I've dedicated I have felt that Beelzebub, Glaysa-Labolas, or Andras was my guardian. But as time has passed my feelings about who they might be have changed quite rapidly. At first I thought for sure Glasya-labolas was my guardian, I even tried to ask him and felt like it was a positive yes, but yet now I for sure feel like its Andras. Yet one time when my bf was in a fight with me, he was about to do something bad, and saw 3 or 4 demons circled around me looking at him very mad.

At first he said there were 3 girls and a guy, but recently he said it was 2 girls and a guy demon he saw around me that night. But why would 3 or 4 demons come to protect me?

I was and still would be surprised if even 1 demon came to help me.
But 3? Or 4?

I thought how could this be? How could I be worth that much protection?

I wish so bad to meet my guardian, and all the other demons.
I may not have gone as far in a past life as my BF did with his third eye. But my mind tells me I have had relationships with many Demons.

But how do I Know for sure? Could my mind be lying to me, or am I just a little too crazy like you hear about those SS that have fallen too deep into it, and start saying crazy things like my other was a demon and my father a human, and some other things I've read about how people have kinda lost themselves in this religion.

I love father Satan with all my heart. But everyday seems to get harder and harder.

I think I may have gone. Suicide in a past life, and that's why I think about it every once in a while when things don't go right.

I know life is made so hard on us so that we can be strong. I can tell you I am FUCKING strong in all ways (except physically, I'm a vegetarian and kinda weak lol) and everyone has told me I am one of the strongest people they know. Especially for a girl. I'm even more stable than my BF or most guys, yet I feel so weak. IM never good enough for me.

HAURES has told Mike that I was very important. I just wish I knew what for so I could go and start working my hardest on it, but I'm not sure yet.

I know I'm only 18 yars old, but it feels like its been forever and I've just been wasting my life. But it's so hard to do things like magick and meditation when they don't do much, then I feel worthless, and spiritually weak.

I have healed Mike a few times before. One of the best being recently this month, he had an asthma attack, and I healed him.

He said he has never had an asthma attack without having to go to the emergency room before.

That made me feel so strong. But not enough.


I just have to work harder. It just seems to hard and far away, and to have to balance that with trying to make money, and find a job since. I've been unemployed since my first job I quit back in December. And getting mike. A car, and us finding a house, getting married, and soon having Kellin, which is our first son, and first child. We have had many dreams about Kellin, and we now he will be our first. Spiritual satanism has to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. But Satan needs fighters right? And I sure make one hell of a good fighter. I will never give up on Satan. No matter what. I'd give up on myself before him. HAIL SATAN! HAIL HAURES! HAIL ANDRAS! HAIL GLASYA-LABOLAS! HAIL THE GODS OF DUAT!